Banned from Berkeley Campus: "They said I was making verbal threats."

I don't usually have problems with strangers trying to talk to me. I attribute it to a combination of 1) being Asian and thus quiet, humourless, unlikely to banter, and possibly non-English speaking*, 2) looking naturally hostile when I don't smile. Don't get me wrong. Human beings are indeed wonderfully wrought creatures made in God's own image...I just don't feel like making small talk with them all the time.

Not everyone feels this way. Some are "Chatters." Their interest in strangers' affairs and in sharing their own affairs and opinions, I'm sure, stems from a passion for knowledge, a desire for human communication, a deep appreciation of everything and everyone. They just love life too much!!! But that doesn't mean that they aren't annoying.

When you're sitting next to a Chatter on a plane, you can usually nip a lengthy and boring conversation in the bud by plugging yourself into the music channel or the in-flight movie, or even pretending to sleep.

When you're in a cafe, it's a lot harder. Especially if you didn't bring your headphones. I was in a Starbucks in San Francisco yesterday, waiting for my sister to finish trying on clothes at a nearby store. There were no empty seats to be had, so I settled myself on the wide window-ledge near the condiment stand, set my hot drink beside me, and cracked open Forster's A Passage to India.

Presently an elderlyish man (late forties, early fifties) wearing a rain poncho and carrying an empty duffel bag stationed himself at the condiment stand and began adding sugar to his drink. And then he showed no signs of departing for anywhere else in the Starbucks interior.

Please don't be a Chatter, I thought to myself.

--Passage to India, huh? Good movie. I've never read the book.

--Mmmm. Damn.

--Have you watched the movie?

--No.

--You should. It's a good one. By Merchant-Ivory.

--Didn't they do Howards End as well?

--Yup, that was them. But I liked this one better.

--Mmmm.

(pause)

--You probably want to get to get back to your book, huh?

--Yah, kind of. Sorry.

--No, no. Perfectly understandable.

(pause)

--I'm not a literature guy myself. I'm more a math-science type. I did a Ph.D. at Berkeley in math. Statistics and such.

--Mmmm.

--Are you a student?

--Uh-huh.

--In lit? Undergrad?

--I'm in the English Ph.D. programme at Berkeley.

--Oh, yeah? So they making you teach and stuff?

--Uh-huh.

--Academia is really just about finding your little niche and churning out papers.

--Yup. Pretty much.

--I find that really detestable. Really detestable. The real useful math just gets obscured.

--Oh.

--But I can see that you want to get back to your book. I won't bother you anymore.

--Okay, thanks.

--You know, that's why I left the academe. I'm still doing math and stuff, but just on my own.

--Mmmm.

--But go ahead and read. I'll stop now.

(pause)

--You know, I'm banned from going on Berkeley campus ever again.

This actually sounded interesting. So I put down my book.
--Really? Why?

--I don't know! No reason! I was just trying to visit my old advisor, Steve. Now Steve's a guy that you want at your back. When they had me teaching Statistics II semester after semester, and it was sucking the life out of me, Steve stuck up for me.

--So you were just trying to visit your advisor, and they kicked you off campus?

--Pretty much. Well, they said I was making verbal threats. Getting violent. That's what the police report said anyhow. I read the police report, you know.

--What did you say?

--I don't think I said anything. I was just trying to get in there to see Steve, and the admin girl was like, "He's not in." Just stuff like, "I'm just trying to see my advisor. Why are you back-talking me?" If they'd read the dedication in my thesis, they'd see that I'd dedicated it to Steve. I said he's a guy you always want at your back.

--So they said you were making verbal threats?

--I think it was more the hand-gestures than anything else. I didn't say anything threatening.

--Oh. Uh. Bummer, man.

(My sister calls.)

--So my thesis is housed in the library in Evans...

--I have to go.

--Oh, right. You gotta do what you gotta do.

--Um. Good luck.

--Yeah. I'm going to stumble on it one day. Some big discovery. You'll hear about it.

--Well, hopefully. Bye.

--Yeah. Bye.

*I've never encountered the "talking stranger" problem in Asia, where it seems pretty much understood that nobody wants to talk to, or even cares about, anyone he/she doesn't know. Or as a high-school friend recounted to me after his attempt to make small-talk on an MRT subway train with someone:
"I asked her how she was doing. And she said, 'Can you please stop talking to me?'"